Lost In China

It must have been in 1976 that I had my first Chinese takeaway. Pieces of fatty pork fried in batter in a sauce spiked with industrial quantities of sugar ; something called Chicken Chow Mein, and the obligatory Pancake roll. I loved it, it seemed like a taste of the exotic in the little provincial town where I grew up. Kettering, since you ask. 

Well perhaps needless to say, Chinese food, the stuff they give you in China is nothing like that. There are distinct regional cuisines but what I want to tell you about here is the food in the university canteen where I eat. Rice and noodles are staples. The Rice is ladled out into stainless steel bowls from what looks like a small skip. You grab one of these first and then wander along to the counters, there are 5,  where smiling Chinese ladies, who enjoy listening to the crazy foreigner trying to talk in Chinese are waiting to help. At counter 1 is my favourite food. Noodles in peanut sauce. Small red dishes sit at the back of the counter with peanut sauce pre-loaded. Your noodles are boiled in front of you in something that looks not unlike a witch’s cauldron and then placed on top of the sauce. Important to work fast here otherwise the noodles congeal into one lump. So some spring onion, coriander, mustard seeds and hot sauce, and then off to the other counters for side dishes. The side dishes come on a dainty little steel plate. You want peanuts, they’ve got them. Tomatoes and scrambled egg, no problem. Or perhaps a hard-boiled egg, soaked in something that turns it a shiny black ? It tastes much better than it sounds. Tofu, yum yum. 

Well, it’s now time to take your tray and pick up your chopsticks and spoon. They are always swirled in hot water before using them. I’m not quite sure why, they looked pretty clean but everybody else does it so I do too. And then look for a table directly underneath a fan If the weather is hot. 

Eating with chopsticks  can be tricky but I’m getting much better at it. I can NOW pick up individual peanuts and eat them quite easily. I am inordinately and stupidly proud of this new found talent and now prefer chopsticks to a knife and fork. But the true pros can lift a hard boiled egg and nibble the end of it. Stabbing is NOT approved of. The meat dishes can be awkward. Pretty much all the meat dishes have bones in. The usual way of dealing with this is to spit them out onto your tray. Elegantly ! And many of the students do. Indeed some of them seem to acquire a little pile of bones on their tray without me seeing them spit. It’s important to take tissues to the table to wipe your mouth. I of course usually forget mine and concerned students offer me a tissue as I realise the hot sauce is dribbling down my chin. Occasionally much to my embarrassment they offer to wipe my chin for me !! If I really push the boat out for this feast I can spend as much as £2. 

There are only two dishes I can’t cope with. One is Fish head. Just the head. Too bony. The other is chicken feet. Chicken claws make me feel slightly nauseous I’m ashamed to say but it’s not just that. There’s no meat on the damn things. I don’t see the point. 

Afterwards I retire to the other counter for coffee. Excellent coffee !! It comes in a faux Starbucks cup and I ponder my good fortune at living and teaching here……